Out and Proud- A Story of Discovering Identity

By Jayden Catalano

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            Riddled with anxiety and depression, then high school sophomore student Carol Mac Neill admitted to herself that she must finally throw her Victoria’s Secret blouses in the donation pile and no longer fight this long-time battle. A battle not with a friend or foe, but rather a battle with her true identity.

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            “I had been denying myself the chance to live in my full truth because of fear,” Mac Neill said, now a Colorado State University student studying data science. “Ever since I could remember, I have always been interested in more ‘masculine’ things, but I would always hide it from my friends and even my family too.”

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            Lesbian, often viewed as a negative word and a topic that is off-the-table, is a pivotal and one of the most prominent groups of the LGBTQ+ community.  Lesbians are a crucial and core part of the LGBTQ+ community, yet societal and cultural problems like misogyny and homophobia have begun to discourage our youth from embracing their true authentic selves.

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         "Despite leaps forward, lesbians confront persistent hurdles like discrimination, violence, and inadequate legal safeguards across the globe.” said Lex, a pro-LGBTQ+ centered social media app.

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           “All throughout my childhood I had lied to myself, wearing tight little tops and skirts, just to make the people around me happy, my mom in particular,” said the data science major. 

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         “Even though I tried to deny and hide it through my clothes, I had always been and always will be a lesbian,” Mac Neill said. “And it wasn’t until I finally accepted myself is when I started to grow comfortable in my skin and finally feel confident enough to wear what I wanted and not what I was expected to.”

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            Mac Neill further explained that after finding her community and a group to support her, she not only started to feel confident on the inside, but she also started to feel confident and liberated enough to experiment with her appearance and personal style.

         

         Coming out is often an anxiety-inducing and stressful experience, yet it is also simultaneously an act of liberation and declaration of one’s identity. The act of coming out allows oneself to start experimenting with their physical appearance to align with who they truly are.

           “By openly acknowledging and accepting their sexual orientation and/or gender identity, individuals can experience a greater sense of self-acceptance and self-esteem. They can begin to let go of the shame and internalized stigma that may have been holding them back, and embrace their true selves with pride and confidence,” said Toby Barron, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker.

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         Mac Neill’s coming out experience was exactly that, both liberating and eye-opening.

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       “Once I finally come out to my mom, that is when I truly started to experiment with my style and finally throw out those Victorias Secret blouses,” said Mac Neill. “Now I wear big baggy clothing that isn’t necessarily girly but makes me feel confident and happy.”

Mac Neill further explains that for years she was hiding behind those Victorias Secret blouses to camouflage her true authentic identity from not only the people around her but herself as well. And it wasn’t until she accepted her identity that she realized she didn’t need tiny frilly blouses to feel confident, but rather the big baggy sweaters.

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      “Once I finally threw those tiny blouses out, I felt free,” said Mac Neill. “I never once looked back and now feel more confident than ever in my full lesbian self in my big baggy jeans.”